Suggestions for Parents, Friends, and Concerned Persons
Elizabeth M. Allen, M.A., M.S., L.A.C.
Note: the individual with an eating disorder will be referred to as “the client” throughout this document.
Please remember each person with disordered eating is unique and each case is treated individually. It is difficult caring for someone with disordered eating; it is natural to want to help. The suggestions below are only guidelines. Ongoing communication is a vital part of recovery. The client’s needs may change and it is important the client’s support persons be open to changing ways of helping. Accepting that what works one time may not work another is an important step for everyone to take.
Also, accept that you may be frustrated, angry, disappointed and hurt occasionally. The recovery from disordered eating may be difficult and frustrating. Please remember: disordered eating doesn’t occur overnight and it isn’t usually a simple recovery. Also, remember that recovery is possible and the results are often a healthier, happier person and support network.
1. Remain as calm as possible. Do not allow your fears to dominate or overwhelm you.
It is extremely appropriate and often helpful to have your own therapist or another “recovering parent” or person to talk to. Please respect your child or friend’s confidentiality; it is your feelings and thoughts you need to share, not the client’s.
2. Be open to attending therapy with your child or friend.
It may be helpful for you to seek family therapy with a therapist other than the one the client is seeing. Disordered eating is not usually a solitary disorder. It is often systemic in nature. Please understand: no fault or blame is given. The goal is simply to learn how to make the client’s support system healthier and help the client to become more able to communicate feelings and needs. It is the task of therapy to facilitate the client gaining control in a healthy way, rather than using food and related behaviors as a way to control his or her environment.
3. Discuss your concerns with your child or your friend.
Be honest about your concerns, but do so in a non-judgmental, non-threatening way. Talk about your feelings; use “I” statements. Share how you are affected without being manipulative. Reassure your child or friend you are in this for the long haul. At the same time, do not be overly accommodating. You have a life separate from the client’s. And your life needs to be treated as important, also. Seek balance.
4. Use a team approach and work with the client’s physician, nutritionist, school counselors, etc.
A multi-disciplinary approach is vital for a healthy, sustained recovery. Disordered eating can be deadly. By working as a team, there are more people evaluating and assessing the needs of the client. The younger the client, the more professionals usually involved in the case.
5. Resist the urge to ask your child or friend what is being discussed in therapy.
It is natural to be curious and perhaps even fearful of what is being discussed in therapy. The relationship between therapist and client is a vital one. The first and most important thing the therapist needs to do is to establish trust. If you call the therapist with a concern, the therapist will generally tell the client that you did and what you said. It is important you understand this from the “get go.” If the therapist fails to keep information private, then she or he risks eroding trust, as well as teaching the client unhealthy patterns. You may be invited into therapy on an as-needed basis. Ask to join the therapist and client for a session if you need to express concerns or ask for direction. A client who has reached the age of majority has the right to refuse anyone joining them in a session, but typically they welcome the support and care.
6. Remember: everyone needs attention. Do not focus excessive attention on the person with disordered eating.
Because of your fears and concerns you may find yourself dwelling and focusing on the client more than is healthy. If there are other children in the family, it is important not to overlook their emotional needs, as well as your own. It’s important for parents to develop their own interests, passions and activities separate from their child’s. The task of the client’s individuation is an important part of the recovery from disordered eating.
7. Spend time with the client that is not centered on his or her disordered eating.
If you do not already, take time to recreate with your friend or child. During this time, try not to discuss your friend or child’s recovery. Go to a movie, take a drive, paint a room, build something, visit a college campus. At the beginning of recovery, I generally suggest food not be a part of the activity. It is one goal of therapy for the client to learn to “break bread” with family and friends in a comfortable, healthy way. This is not the first task of recovery, however.
8. Remove the scale from your home and examine your own attitudes about weight, beauty and external appearances.
Our culture emphasizes external appearances. Take time to examine how you value beauty and thinness. Have exercise and body beautiful issues played a big part in your life? Do you talk about exercise and beauty a lot? Do you judge others, as well as yourself, for not “looking good enough” or “being fit enough?” Are you comfortable with your own body? Do you respect it? Is your own life balanced with a variety of activities and self-time? Is a primary focus on weight and food? Be aware of the potential for “modeling” unhealthy expectations for your friend or child.
Copyright 2011 Elizabeth M. Allen, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
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